Kids get to play and they don't have jobs, but they still have plenty to worry about. Stress from things like school and social situations can feel overwhelming for kids, particularly if they don't have healthy strategies to cope with strong feelings and solve everyday problems.
A recent KidsHealth® KidsPoll showed that kids deal with stress in both healthy and unhealthy ways, and while they may not initiate a conversation about what's bothering them, they do want their parents to reach out and help them cope with their feelings.
But it's not always easy for parents to know how to connect with a child who's feeling stressed.
Here are a few ideas:
Notice out loud. Tell your child when you notice something he or she might be feeling. ("It seems like you're still mad about what happened at the playground"). This shouldn't sound like an accusation (as in, "OK, what happened now? Are you still mad about that?") or put a child on the spot. It's just a casual observation that you're interested in hearing more about your child's concern.
Listen to your child. Ask your child to tell you what's wrong. Listen attentively and calmly — with interest, patience, openness, and caring. Avoid any urge to judge, blame, lecture, or say what you think your child should have done instead. The idea is to let your child's concerns (and feelings) be heard. Try to get the whole story by asking questions like "And then what happened?" Take your time. And let your child take his or her time, too.
Comment briefly on the feelings you think your child was experiencing. For example, you might say "That must have been upsetting," "No wonder you felt mad when they wouldn't let you in the game," or "That must have seemed unfair to you." Doing this shows that you understand what your child felt, why, and that you care. Feeling understood and listened to helps your child feel connected to you, and that is especially important in times of stress.
Put a label on it. Many kids do not yet have words for their feelings. If your child seems angry or frustrated, use those words to help him or her learn to identify the emotions by name. Putting feelings into words helps your child communicate and develop emotional awareness — the ability to recognize his or her own emotional states. A child who can do so is less likely to reach the behavioral boiling point where strong emotions get demonstrated through behaviors rather than communicated with words.
Help your child think of things to do. Suggest activities your child can do to feel better now and to solve the problem at hand. Encourage your child to think of a couple of ideas. You can get the brainstorm started if necessary, but don't do all the work. Your child's active participation will build confidence. Support the good ideas and add to them as needed. Ask, "How do you think this will work?" Sometimes talking and listening and feeling understood is all that's needed to help a child's frustrations begin to melt away. Other times try changing the subject and moving on to something more positive and relaxing. Don't give the problem more attention than it deserves.
Just be there. Sometimes kids don't feel like talking about what's bothering them. Respect that, give your child space, and still make it clear that you'll be there when he or she does feel like talking. Even when kids don't communicate, they usually don't want parents to leave them alone. You can help your child feel better just by being there — keeping him or her company, spending time together. So if you notice that your child seems to be down in the dumps, stressed, or having a bad day — but doesn't feel like talking — initiate something you can do together. Take a walk, watch a movie, shoot some hoops, or bake some cookies. Isn't it nice to know that your presence really counts?
Be patient. As a parent, it hurts to see your child unhappy or worried. But try to resist the urge to fix every problem. Instead, focus on helping your child, slowly but surely, grow into a good problem-solver — a kid who knows how to roll with life's ups and downs, put feelings into words, calm down when needed, and bounce back to try again.
Remember that you can't fix everything, and that you won't be there to solve every problem as your child goes through life. But by teaching healthy coping strategies, you prepare your child to manage whatever stresses come in the future.
CHILDHOOD STRESS As providers and caretakers, adults tend to view the world of children as happy and carefree. After all, kids don't have jobs to keep or bills to pay, so what could they possibly have to worry about? Plenty! Even very young children have worries and feel stress to some degree. Stress is a function of the demands placed on us and our ability (or sometimes our perceived ability) to meet them. Sources of Childhood Stress Pressures often come from outside sources (such as family, friends, or school), but they can also come from within. The pressure we place on ourselves can be most significant because there is often a discrepancy between what we think we ought to be doing and what we are actually doing in our lives. Stress can affect anyone - even a child - who feels overwhelmed. A 2-year-old child, for example, may be anxious because the person he or she needs to feel good - a parent - isn't there enough to satisfy him or her. In preschoolers, separation from parents is the greatest cause of anxiety. As children get older, academic and social pressures (especially the quest to fit in) create stress. In addition, well-meaning parents sometimes unwittingly add to the stress in their children's lives. For example, high-achieving parents often have great expectations for their children, who may lack their parents' motivation or capabilities. Parents who push their children to excel in sports or who enroll their children in too many activities may also cause unnecessary stress and frustration if their children don't share their goals. Many professionals feel that a number of children are too busy and do not have time to play creatively or relax after school. Kids who begin to complain about the number of activities they are involved in or refuse to go to activities may be signaling to their parents that they are too busy. It's a good idea to talk with your child about how he or she is feeling about after-school activities. If he or she complains, talk about the pros and cons of quitting one of the activities. If quitting isn't an option, talk about ways that you can help your child manage his or her time and responsibilities so that they don't create so much anxiety. Your child's stress level may be intensified by more than just what's happening in his or her own life. Does your child hear you talking about troubles at work, worrying about a relative's illness, or fighting with your spouse about financial matters? Parents need to be careful how they discuss such issues when their children are near because children will pick up on their parents' anxieties and start to worry themselves. The events of September 11, 2001, and the changes in our world since then also added to the stress of many children - and not just those who were directly affected by the tragedy. Children who watch replays of the disturbing images on TV or hear talk of plane crashes, war, and bioterrorism may worry about their own safety and that of the people they love. Talk to your child about what he or she sees and hears and monitor what he or she watches on TV so that you can help your child understand what's going on and reassure him or her. Also, consider that complicating factors, such as an illness, death of a loved one, or a divorce, may be causing your child's stress. When these factors are added to the everyday pressures kids face, the stress is magnified. Even the most amicable divorce can be a difficult experience for children because their basic security system - their family - is undergoing a tough change. Separated or divorced parents should never put kids in a position of having to choose sides or expose them to negative comments about the other spouse. Recognizing Symptoms of Stress It's not always easy to recognize when your child is stressed out. Short-term behavioral changes, such as mood swings, acting out, changes in sleep patterns, or bedwetting, can be indicators of stress. Some children experience physical effects, including stomachaches and headaches. Others have trouble concentrating or completing schoolwork. Still others become withdrawn or spend a lot of time alone. Younger children may show signs of reacting to stress by picking up new habits like thumb sucking, hair twirling, or nose picking; older children may begin to lie, bully, or defy authority. A child who is stressed out may also have nightmares, difficulty leaving you, overreactions to minor problems, and drastic changes in academic performance. Reducing Your Child's Stress How can you help your child cope with stress? Proper rest and good nutrition can help increase your child's coping skills, as can good parenting. Make time for your child each day. Whether he or she needs to talk or just be in the same room with you, make yourself available. Even as your child gets older, this "quality time" is important. It's really hard for some people to come home after work, get down on the floor, and play with their kids or just talk to them about their day - especially if they've had a stressful day themselves. But by showing interest in your child's life, regardless of your child's age, you're showing your child that he or she is important to you. Help your child cope with stress by talking with him or her about what may be causing it. Together, you can come up with a few solutions. Some possibilities are cutting back on after-school activities, spending more time talking with parents or teachers, developing an exercise regimen, or keeping a journal. You can also help your child by anticipating potentially stressful situations and preparing him or her for them. For example, let your child know ahead of time that there is a doctor appointment coming up and talk about what will happen there. Remember that some level of stress is normal; let your child know that it's OK to feel angry, scared, lonely, or anxious. Let him or her know that other people share his or her feelings. Working Through the Stress With Your Child When children are unwilling or have trouble discussing these issues, it may be helpful to talk with your child about your own concerns. This will help your child see that you are willing to discuss these issues and allow him or her to feel like he or she has someone to talk with when he or she is ready. If your child continues to show symptoms that concern you and is unwilling to talk, it might be helpful to see a counselor or another type of mental health care specialist. Books are a great way to allow young children to identify with characters in stressful situations and learn how they cope. Some titles include Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day by Judith Viorst; Tear Soup by Pat Schweibert, Chuck DeKlyen, and Taylor Bills; and Dinosaurs Divorce by Marc Brown and Laurene Krasny Brown. Most parents have the skills necessary to deal with their child's stress. The time to seek professional attention is when any change in behavior persists, when your child's stress is causing serious anxiety, or when the behavior is causing significant problems with your child's functioning at school or at home. If you are unsuccessful after several attempts to get to the source of your child's troubles, see your child's doctor and talk to the counselors and teachers at your child's school. These sources can lead you to competent professional help.